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An Evening With Groucho 2B

Years ago when there were many songs written about mothers, you know like "Mammy", "Ireland Must Be Heaven", "Mom, They Are Making Eyes At Me", "My Mother's Eyes", nobody ever wrote any song about fathers. Father was the town schlemeil in almost every place. He was nothing, mother was the boss. I think there were two songs that I remember: "Pop Goes The Weasel" and "Oh, What A Crumb Is My Old Man". I remember one more song, it's called: Everybody works but father, He sits around all day. Feet in front of the fireplace, Smoking his pipe of clay. Mother takes in washing, So does sister Ann. Everybody works in our house But my old man. That was a big hit, that song. They even sang it in Europe, in Germany. Alle schaft aber nicht Vater. Er geht der ganze Tag herum. Und raucht der verdammte Pfeife, Das alles geht driblen drum. Und Mutter nimmt den Vasching Und auch tut Schwester Ann. Alle arbeiten in unser Platz, Aber nicht der alter Mann. I have a friend in Hollywood. I think I do, but I'm not so sure. His name is Harry Ruby, and he wrote a lot of songs, that I've sung over the years. Today, father, is father's day, And we're giving you a tie. It's not much we know, It's just our way of showing you We think you are a regular guy. You say that it was nice of us to bother. But it really was a pleasure to fuss, For according to our mother, You're our father, And that's good enough for us. Yes, that's good enough for us. All I can tell you about Margaret Dumont, who was Mrs. Rittenhouse in our pictures. We did a picture, it was a war picture, and a shell came through the window. And I rushed over, and pulled the shade down. And she said "Otis, what are you doing?" I said "I'm fighting for your honor, which is more than you ever did." Then we were on a boat, and I had two suitcases, and Mrs Rittenhouse was in the back of me. And she said "Otis, have you got everything?" And I said "I haven't had any complaints yet." I was in a building called the Thalberg Building. It was a building that was built to honor Irving Thalberg, who was our producer at MGM, and a woman backed into the elevator. And this woman was wearing a hat. I had nothing to do, I'm bored, so I take the back of the hat, and I push it up, and I turn around and it's Greta Garbo. The biggest star in all of show business. I didn't know what to say. And finally I said "I'm terribly sorry, but I thought you were a fella I knew from Kansas City." I was once invited to Cecil De Mille's projection room, and they were running "Samson and Delilah" with Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature. I'm sure many of you have seen that picture, some time or other. So Cecil De Mille came up to me, when the picture was over and he said "How did you like the picture?" I said "It'll be a failure." And he said "Why? Why will it be a failure?" "Because you got the characters wrong. Victor Mature has much bigger knockers than Hedy Lamarr." They never asked me at the Paramount again. I remember playing baseball with Will Rogers in Baltimore. In those days on the Keith circuit, they used to have teams, and our team would be the Marx brothers and a few other players. And Will Rogers was playing second base. And I got on first base, and I ran to second base and I slid in there. And Will Rogers was standing about twenty feet in front of second base, and he turned around on the heal and he said "You're out!" I said "How can I be out? You've got to touch me with the ball on second base, don't you know that?" And he said "Groucho, at my age, wherever you stand is second base." It's a true story. I've always had trouble with priests. I was married by a Rabbi, I think. I'm not sure of that. I think my grandfather bought a speech for five dollars, and all the brothers used that speech. "My dear parents, for many years you have toiled and laboured for my happiness." We had no idea what the hell we were talking about, but we did the whole thing, and it was only a dollar a piece for each speech. I was in the Plaza Hotel, and there was a priest standing there, and he recognizes me, and he says "Aren't you Groucho Marx?" and I said "Yeah". He says "My mother is crazy about that quizshow you used to do." and I said "I didn't know you fellas had mothers." and I continued, I said "I always thought it was immaculate conception." Then I was in Montreal. I made a quick exit out of the elevator. I was in Montreal and a priest came up to me, puts out his hand and says "I wanna thank you for all the joy you've put into this world." And I shook his hand, and I said "And I wanna thank you, for all the joy you've taken out of this world." He said "Could I use that next Sunday in my sermon?" And I said "Yes you can, but you'll have to pay the William Morris office ten percent." I was in Italy, I was in Rome. Wonderful city. And I'd just lit a dollar cigar, and I was walking to the corner, and somebody bumped against me. It was a dollar cigar, I wasn't gonna let it lay there, so I reached down to pick it up, and I said "Jesus Christ!" And I turned around, and there is two priests standing next to me, and one of them had bumped against me. He reached in here and pulled out two cigars, and he said "Groucho, you've just said the secret word." I think we ought to sing "Show Me A Rose". Ever since songwriters started writing songs, They have written songs about the rose. Red roses, blue roses, old roses, new roses, Roses from the north and south and west, But here is the rose song that I love the best. Show me a rose, And I'll show you a girl who cares. Show me a rose, Or leave me alone. Show me a rose, And I'll show you a storm at sea. Show me a rose, Or leave me alone. She taught me how to do the tango, Down where the palm trees sway. I called her Rose-a-mir, And she called a spade a spade. Show me a rose, And I'll show you a stag at bay. Show me a rose, Or leave me alone. One night in Bixby, Mississippi, We watched the clouds roll by. I said "My dear, how are you?" And she wispered "So am I" Show me a rose, And I'll show you a girl named Sam. Show me a rose, Or leave me alone. Show me a rose, A fragrant rose. Make believe that you don't know me, Until you show me A rose. La-la-la...la-la-la. Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia? Lydia The Tattooed Lady. She has eyes that men adore so, and a torso even more so. Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopedia. Lydia The Queen of Tattoo. On her back is The Battle of Waterloo. Beside it, The Wreck of the Hesperus too. And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue. You can learn a lot from Lydia! La-la-la...la-la-la. La-la-la...la-la-la. When her robe is unfurled she will show you the world, if you step up and tell her where. For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree, or Washington crossing The Delaware. La-la-la...la-la-la. La-la-la...la-la-la. Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia? Lydia The Tattooed Lady. When her muscles start relaxin', up the hill comes Andrew Jackson. ... that encyclopedia. Lydia The Queen of Tattoo. For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz, with a view of Niagara that nobody has. And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz. You can learn a lot from Lydia! La-la-la...la-la-la. La-la-la...la-la-la. Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso. Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso. Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon. Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on. La-la-la...la-la-la. La-la-la...la-la-la. Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia? Lydia The Queen of them all. She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet. The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat. And now the old boy's in command of the fleet, for he went and married Lydia! I said Lydia... He said Lydia... I said Lydia... He said Lydia... Olé!